Stanley Home Products Miracle Bath Brush

I can't say that it saved my life, but…well, here's the story you be the judge.

I had just walked home from a Stanley Home Products presentation, and I decided to take a nice, soothing bath with my stimulating bath brush when a knock came at the door. I had the bath brush still in my hand when I opened the door, and the biggest moose that I had ever seen stood on the front stoop.

Up here in these northern, woodland communities you expect to see big creatures every once in a while. I have been driving down the West Mountain Road and seen a bear just lumber right across like there wasn't nobody bearing down on him in a log truck. This bear he just stood there with his paw held up to shade his eyes like that Stanley Home Products salesman asking for directions. He just stood there as I went on by, and I tell ya' that he was so big he could look straight into the cab. He wasn't anymore afraid than I am when I'm in the tub scrubbing down with my bath brush.

Anyway, the moose had apparently knocked on the door with his antler, and was asking politely if he could come in and warm up by the fire. I have to say that was about the strangest thing that I had ever heard because I thought that all wild creatures were afraid of fire. But, I let him in anyway, and those broad, rounded antlers of his brushed the ceiling. I offered him a chair, but then I realized how silly that was because I didn't have anything near big enough for him to actually sit on, and so I apologized for being a bad host. I gave him my Stanley Home Products catalog to read and asked him how many lumps of sugar he liked in his tea. That's when all hell broke loose. How was I to know that moose hate tea? Apparently they are a race of coffee drinkers and hate all tea loving folk as pansies and just not worth mentioning at all. How was I to know that moose were such bigots?

He threw down the Stanley Home Products catalog with a snort and fire in his eyes, and started at me through the dining room. I made a feint around the table, right in front of the big picture window, and dropped my bath brush on the way. That brush lodged in a crack in the floor I had been meaning to fix and when he came charging around the table trying to get at me it stuck right in the cleft of his hoof and sent him flying through the window.

I learned three things from that experience. Never offer a moose tea, always carry a bath brush, and never drink more than one glass of Neddy Simpkins's sweet cider.