Generational Pain

Your pain is not only a part of who you are, but also part of your family history. Alcoholism, drug abuse, physical and mental abuse all tend to go back generations. An abusive father raises an abusive son. A victimized mother raises a victimized daughter. An alcoholic father has a drug addicted, alcohol son.

The question is, how do we break the cycle? How do we step away from the pain, torture, passed on by our fathers, mothers, grandfathers and grandmothers? The first step is to understand the reasons behind the pain. The second step is to acknowledge it. And the last step is to overcome it.

What you need to remember is that alcoholism, drug abuse, and physical and mental abuse are symptoms. Yes, they cause pain and suffering, but they are symptoms of something broken much deeper inside of the person.

Step one: Understanding the reasons behind the pain.

There are two major reasons. The first one is based on a subconscious need for survival. A child will look at her mother or father in their abusive behavior and say, "mother/ father I love you so much I will be just like you.” So the child matches the energy and pain of the family by shrinking down; by becoming less than who they could be.

By shrinking down to a smaller self the child will eventually match the size and energy of the family. At that point of matching, the child will become a part of the family. If a child starts out at 100 Watts of love, passion, caring and the family is only 25 Watts of energy then the child will have to shrink down to 25 W of energy to fit in with the family. For if the child doesn't, it will never feel loved and it's only option is to die or somehow be removed from the family unit.

The second major reason for child to follow in the parents’ pain and suffering is, "mother, father I love you so much I will show you how bad, bad really is." This is a child who dives into the family pool of suffering. If the father or mother is a one bottle a week alcoholic, the child will become a three bottle a week alcoholic. Or the child may become a two bottle a week alcoholic and Meth user. This child is acting under magical thinking - the idea being, if mom and dad see how bad, bad really is they will get their act together and by doing so be happy. In return the child will have more happiness and safety in their life. This is not based on fact or even reality. It is based on the hope and love of the child for the parent.

Step two: Once you hit a point of acknowledging that you carry pain and suffering around, your question is what do you do? By acknowledging your own addiction and abuse it gives you power to move forward. You have to hit a point of reality. You have to take a look at your life and decide you deserve a better one. You need to acknowledge the pain and anger inside of you for the person you have become, but more importantly for the little child inside of you still longing to be loved and still hoping for parents who do hold them the way they know they should be held.

Step three: Overcoming the pain. This step is best accomplished in smaller baby steps.

First, let go of the anger and pain at your parents. Your parents did the best that they could, even if the best was broken and abusive. It is not your job to be their judge and jury. It is just your job to let go of the pain. 

Next, truly understand that your own abuse and addictions are symptoms of deeper pain based on your childhood. Yes, you need to take care of your symptoms by going to whatever rehab you can, but healing your abused inner child is the key to positive change.  Remember, as an adult you have thousands times more options than a two or three-year-old child at the mercy of abusive parents.

Finally, take Baby steps. Understand that you are in pain and that it will take time to heal the parts of you that are abused and traumatized. Visualize the child giving back the burden and suffering like a huge weight off your shoulders. Back to the parents so they in turn can pass the weight back to their parents and grandparents back in time. Visualize the burden going back. Back to your parents. Back to you grandparents. Back to your great grandparents. On and on to the beginning of time.

We are all tied to our parents and ancestors that we cannot escape from. The question now is how do we decide to move forward? Do we decide to pass our abuse and pain to our children and our grandchildren? Or do we say "enough."  Enough of the burden. I believe it is time to let go of the burden. It wasn't ours to begin with. We no longer need it. Let us be free of it.